Laying it on the Line, Love Me or Leave Me

Hello all, I've had a funny day with one thing or another, mainly because of a sleepless, emotional night over the pure, simple fact of me being emotional, over sensitive and downright stupid. I did a very foolish thing last night, I hung up on a friend on MSN, a good friend I might add who only was showing how much they care and I got very upset over what they said, so now I'm going to get personal with my post tonight, knowing full well that any Tom, Dick or Harry might read it, well, so be it; this has to be said, I've kept it locked up now for most of my life and last night was the final straw. . .So here goes:

A few things that have been said to me over the last few days:

1 "You must let go of the apron strings"

2 "I never knew you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth"

3"Have you got a job yet?"

4"You better find a man before all the best one's are taken" (actually said a few years back and it's been with me ever since)

5"Now I know why you're a Tory"

6"There's no point me asking you what you've been up to, as I read your blog every day"

7"Ummmmmm"

MY ANSWERS:

1 "Apron strings" I have let go, although it's cheaper to live at home and my parents are my best friends and they are the only ones who know me through and through.

2 "Silver Spoon" Yes; private education, big house I grew up in, holidays abroad (all my friends at the time had the same benefits), dad had well paid job, anything I asked for I got. I was the archetypel 'Only Child' who was spoilt rotten, so I can't change who I am or how I was brought up, please accept me for who I am.

3"Got a job?" Working on it. A constant worry, as in sleepless nights, feelings of worthlessness, gee, thanks for last night 'good friend' (still a little bitter but feelings are changing for the better. . .)

4"Man?' Too picky.

5 No, not a Tory (Conservative), not a Royalist, not no-one, not nothing. Can't stand any politics, can you see why I don't talk it in my blog now? A waste of my fucking time!

6 "Blog" Well, Mr "married to old school friend" that was a little bit of a conversation killer, wasn't it? Seeing I hadn't seen you since that night at Blackheath 'yonks' ago, I don't type everything on my blog, I do have a life outside it too!

7 "Ummmmmm" - Yes, exactly, why the fuck am I defending myself? I know I have many downsides, like any human being, but I'd like to see myself as a generous, loving, free spirit kind of gal who's always there for friends whenever they need me . . . So why have some of you said those things to me?

More defending:

Well, here we are. Here's something about myself in my blog which is a little private and personal, which I'm shouting to the world! Blogging is for ranting, right? Well, here's one:

Last night I had a discussion with a good friend of mine about my 'employment status' or lack of and they asked me should I be looking for work? It touched a very sensitive subject and I was greatly upset at some of the remarks and comments this person said.

Yes, I was born with a 'silver spoon in my mouth' but not through choice, the same as being born a Catholic, but not through choice! It took my folks 12 years to have me and when I came it was deemed as a 'miracle' and so I was their only one. Spoilt rotten, I won't deny it and my friends I hold close to me have accepted who I am. I don't give a sod about class or wealth or lack of, all I care about are my family and my friends.

I have had 5 years of Art education and have a BA and an MA after my name and my ambition is to find a gallery to represent me and in order for that to happen I need to paint. But (Oh God, always a but) I also need to earn to fuel my artistic ambitions. And it's hard. I've had jobs, but I just can't find anything at the moment. I want to work with animals, only if it's £50 per week, I want to feel fulfilled, doing something I enjoy and giving care and attention to my best friends (as in the animals).

I wanted to teach but no-one believed my 'passion' and therefore I didn't get accepted into teacher training college. The stance has always been: "Why do you want to be a teacher and earn money when you're an artist and can sell paintings?" It's almost like, "You've made your bed, now lie in it" No-one wants to give me work, I've applied to many and have heard nothing.

I care greatly about this. I owe my parents a million times over, they've been so supportive and now I need to do something for them. (it's all very well giving them 'free' artwork!) and I'm trying, my God, I'm trying to get work, get a career and I keep hitting brick walls. I'm the last of my friends from school who hasn't got a career or family. I feel small and worthless right now and last night didn't help. I've been bullied and teased throughtout my Art college life about my (fantastic) relationship with my parents (jealousy?) and how once I could have had anything I wanted from my Dad - I still could - but I don't ask. And yes, I still live with my parents and yes, they give me so much money per month. But I'm seeking, I'm worrying day in, day out and it's driving me nuts.

I think I'm a little lost.

I can't be bothered to carry on.

I'll stop there.

Oh do I LOATHE self pity! Damn it!

Ok, enough of that. As I said, an odd day. We all went up to High Street Kensington to renew our (mum and I) Dutch passports. What a to do! Documents here, documents there! Crazy. So hence, the Dutch flag (next to the European one):

Battersea Power Station (the shell) on the train

Battersea Power Station and River Thames on Train

Barkers Department Store (now gone) Beautiful Art Deco building

Police on the Heath

And it snowed in Kent last night! Rotten April!

Oh well, tomorrow I'll re-read this and cringe to myself, "why the hell did I open up?" It's best to leave these things alone. But. But. But. But. Sometimes these things need to be out in the open.

E x